Just what I'm feeling
Good morning, I hope that everyone is enjoying this totally summery day today. I sure will when I get off work. I've been walking to the gym after work these past few days and it certainly clears the mind :-)........Okay so, normally, I am a very private person....not in the sense that you think. I'm constantly on social media promoting my work, I interact with people and I love dong it. I love talking to my readers and just interacting in general. When I say that I am private, I mean that I am emotionally private. I'll explain......Growing up, even though I come from a big family, I felt alone most of the time. I went to school by myself, I didn't have any friends, I felt different, I felt weird.....I was teased, never bullied (nerd or not, I didn't play that.) But I was teased and it made me keep to myself. So....I started to write. I wrote a little short story, I then started journaling thoughts, I even started journaling my wishes for the type of friends that I wanted (I told you that I was weird).....Seriously, siting down in a corner with my journal became the highlight of my day :-). When I wrote my thoughts out, it gave me hope that my life could be better than what it was for me at the time......This was in middle school. Fast forward to high school. Like many others at that age, I was looking for acceptance....and granted, by the end of my tenure as a high school student, I did have a few friends but for the most part, I was still teased, I still felt like an outcast.....on top of that, I always felt that my feelings didn't really matter. When I felt angry or sad about something, I was made to feel that I was just being dramatic. if I cried in front of someone, I was later teased for it.....so what did I do? I turned back to my writing. I wrote out my anger, my disappointments and my sadness through poetry....some of it, I still have to this day.....So, let's fast forward to now.....
I am a gown woman, yet I still have the same feelings that I did as a teenager. Have you ever felt that everyone else is allowed to show emotion but when you do it, it's the end of the world? Well, I do. I grew up being the oldest child, having to oversee everyone else, having to look out for everyone else and I just felt and still feel to this day that my feelings don't really matter, like I'm supposed to be happy or "on" all the time. Everyone else can be mad, have an attitude, be sad, or even want to be left alone and it's okay, I'm just supposed to deal with it. But letme be angry, feel sad, or want to be left alone and I always get "what's your problem?" "what do you have an attitude for?" "Why do you sound so angry?"....and I'm just feeling like, damn, why is it okay for everyone to go through what they go through and not okay for me to do so? So what do I do? What I've always done, I turn to paper. For me, writing has always been my outlet....I think of my pen, or even my fingers to a keyboard as the tears that I never let fall in front of people for fear of being looked upon as weak. I think of them as the voice that I want to use to scream out the frustrations that I have but don't, for fear of being looked upon as complaining or being angry for no reason......cause in my eyes, people think I have no reason to be upset....ever. You want to know what that feels like? To want to show a feeling but feel you can't? It's like getting hit in the damn back with a door and even though you're in pain, you can't scream or rub it to make it feel better...(that actually happened to me a few moments ago, lol. I was carrying two cups of hot tea and when I was walking through the door, the doorknob knocked the bulsh#t out of my back and yep, you guessed it, the sh#t hurt :-D).
So, I go through life, I push dumb sh#t to the back of my mind. I try to be encouraging for everyone else, try to put on a brave face, try to keep what scares me, what makes me sad, what makes me angry to myself......and I let those emotions out on paper. When I say that some scenes in these books that I wrote emotionally drained me, I meant it. My characters feel what I can't allow myself to. My characters get the reaction to their emotional breakdowns that I wish I had. My characters can cry and not feel judged. My characters can be angry and snap out and have someone try to help them get through it.....You may think that I am just being extra, but if you ask anyone who is close to me when was the last time they saw me cry.....they won't be able to tell you because when I do it, I do it alone.....Don't worry, I'm not depressed, far from it. I am generally a happy person, but like everyone else in this world, there are times when I feel......like I'm not happy and that's normal. And I'm not saying that nobody in my life cares about how I feel...I know that's not true, but it's hard at thirty-five years old to break a habit or a lose a feeling that I've had since I was about thirteen years old.
This post is pretty uneasy for me because like I said before, I am very private when it comes to my emotions. But I figured that being an author and trying to make a name for myself as a well-known author, that my readers may want to see me post things that lets them know just a little bit more about me as a person and not just see me post about my books all the time......So I figured, why not let people know what makes me, me.....Or maybe, just maybe, this post wasn't for you, maybe it was for me. Like I said, writing out my feelings, whether through dialogue, poetry or just by random blogs, makes me feel better, lighter....and just like that, I feel better.
Okay, now that that 's done, I'm going to get back to redrafting this third book. Until next time, stay strong and find a positive outlet in your life :-) :-) -J.B. Vample